Dear friends, family, and bitter bitches:
As barricades collect on the neutral ground, scaffolding rises on St. Charles, and king cakes populate every bakery: we know it’s carnival time. As locals begin to rope/fence off their yards, gird their loins, and pretend not to get the thousands of texts asking for accommodations from outsiders: we can’t deny it’s carnival time. As bars stockpile cases of alcohol, the NOPD adds extra units, and pharmacies order extra plan B: we really know it’s carnival time. It’s a time for our city to host the largest party in the nation. From floats and marching bands to bartering for beads and drunken shenanigans: this is a time to tape your ears back and set your hair on fire. While the holiday can prove to be an amazing time, it can also be a bitch to deal with…a bitter, evil bitch (I would use an example, but they all live in Texas). Allow me to go over 5 common false assumptions of doing Mardi Gras.
1. I think it’s totally okay and supported to show my penis or breasts to score some sweet, shiny beads. False. Before you do, hit pause and take a look at who is looking at you. Yes, there’s a sort of hot fratty dude cheering you on. Look past him and past his short sidekick friend who he calls his wingman (he’s the gay one). Do you see that creeper collective of old dirty mean with video cameras? Your milk factory just got posted to some weird voyeur site.
2. I think it’s totally okay to completely disregard the marching band moms and their boundary warnings. False. Those bitches will push you, hit you, shank you. If they don’t get to you first, I hope you like a baton to the nose. Consider that rhinoplasty a present from that bitch with the sequin shorts and tassels on her boots.
3. I think it’s totally okay to get completely shit faced and get on someone’s shoulders to get more advantage on collecting beads/shoes/coconuts. False. Have you ever even been able to walk that drunk? I doubt you can even say your name at that point. Newton learned that gravity was inevitable, but you are going to try and defy that. Apparently, vodka enables you to levitate or have some keen sense of balance. You will either cannonball or face plant into asphalt.
4. I think it’s totally okay to stand along a parade route and focus on anything else but the parade itself. False. I hope you enjoy that conversation about how funny Sarah (your slut friend) is, because you are about to have a large hard-plastic set of beads wrap around your face full force. I hope you packed concealer or large sunshades, because you are now giving us the face of domestic violence.
5. I think it’s totally okay to rely on public transportation or cabs to get around the city. False. Oh, United Cab actually answered your call, and they’ll be there in 20 minutes? Good luck with that. And, honey, waiting on the street car are we? Btw, it’s not coming. Take off your fuck-me pumps, put on some sneakers, and get to walking. It’s the only way to get around in this city unless that magical vodka of yours makes you fly or you have a daring friend looking to land another DUI.
There are definitely more common misconceptions or false assumptions, but I’ll let you figure those out on your own. When in doubt: avoid public nudity, respect boundaries, keep your feet on the ground, focus on shit flying at your head, and walk that fat ass off.